Welcome the Struggle

I remember vividly a 5-year-old version of me sitting outside on the front steps of my childhood home staring down my untied shoes. With teeth clenched, I declared that I would not go inside my house until I figured out how to tie those laces. Tongue between teeth, I worked the loop, swoop, and pull over and over again. Palpable frustration built in my chest. Why wouldn’t it work? Why couldn’t I do it? The sun was setting, and it was starting to get darker outside. I decided I needed a change of scenery so to the back steps I went. More looping, swooping, and pulling… Until finally, there it was, a bow. I untied it and did it again – another bow! I entered the house triumphant choosing to celebrate with a frosty glass of milk.

While we have all faced much more consequential struggles in our lives than learning to tie our laces, this memory is one I draw on again and again as a reminder that struggling is how I learn and where the growth happens.

Life constantly presents us with the opportunity for struggles and it is up to us: 1) whether we choose to engage in the struggle at all, and 2) how we approach the struggle. Whether the struggle is working on developing a new skill, handling a challenging assignment at work, figuring out how to scale your business, dealing with a difficult colleague, or one of the many other challenges we are presented with in our lives, choosing to engage in the struggle and being open to the lessons that comes from failing is crucial to learning.

Through struggle we learn to accept that we have opportunity for growth. Struggle shows us that we are not yet a finished product. Carol Dweck in her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, wrote about growth mindset versus fixed mindset. Much has been written about growth versus fixed mindset, but to summarize, if you have a growth mindset, you view intelligence, abilities, and talents as something that can be changed with effort (i.e. struggle leads to learning and growth). Those with a fixed mindset view those same traits as something that are fixed and cannot be changed over time (avoid the struggle because it is useless, and you will never get better).  

Neuroscientists determined that how your brain reacts to mistakes depends on your mindset. Meaning if you embrace struggle as an opportunity for growth, it will become an opportunity for growth. In The Talent Code, Daniel Coyle explains that in order to become a top performer, you need to struggle at the edges of your ability and fail in order to breakthrough to better performance. In sum, struggling is necessary to get really good at something. Sitting in struggle and knowing that it is OK to be uncertain opens the mind to be curious and to try new ways of achieving an outcome. And maybe the next time, the next attempt, will be the right one.  Channel Thomas Edison, who said: “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”

So, welcome the struggle. In fact, look for more ways to invite struggle into your life to facilitate growth.  And if you have been struggling with something and can’t seem to think of one more approach to try, look for a new point of view. Ask a friend, family member, or colleague. Ask someone with no domain expertise how they would approach the issue. Turning to a coach as a resource to help you with your struggle is also a great way to get fresh insight and perspective.  It’s also OK to take a break and rest for a while. Sometimes a breakthrough can only come after some rest and a change of scenery.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas Edison

Time for Spring Cleaning Your Life

We made it to spring! For those of you in the Northeast, like me, we are experiencing whiplash weather. Some days it is 60 and sunny and other days its feels like the damp, drab cold of February. But it is officially April, Major League Baseball is going to happen, and as we look back on the first quarter of the year, it is probably time for a little spring cleaning.

There is something about the beginning of the spring season that compels us to air out our homes, do a thorough cleaning from top to bottom, and purge our closets of those items that no longer bring us joy. The spring is also a great time to think about a spring cleaning for your life.

We completed the first quarter of the year. How did you do on those New Year’s Resolutions? If you are well on your way, now is a great time to recommit to them. If you struggled, well, it is the start of new season, so why not start again or even set new goals with the brightness of the days ahead to help light your way. Write them down and take one small, achievable step each week to get a little closer.

Did you want to find a new job this year? There is still time to network and job search before the summer vacation season starts challenging schedules.  Try committing to doing three things to advance that goal, one for each month of the spring season. Take 30 minutes this week and identify 1-2 networking opportunities and put at least 1 of them on your schedule for April.

Maybe instead of adding things, you are looking to Marie Kondo some things in your life. Are there habits that no longer serve you? Perhaps there are relationships that you have outgrown and you need to set some new boundaries. Remember, in order to say yes to those things that are most important, there are things you will need to say no to. Identify them and be a little bit ruthless about limiting their impact on your life.

Whatever it is that you want to accomplish, the longer days of spring may give you that boost of energy and motivation to make progress. If there is there something in your life you want to get better at this year, commit to hiring a coach or a teacher to invest in yourself. If you need motivation, look no further than this inspiring Ted Talk by Dr. Atul Gawande, who saw the benefits of hiring a coach for both his own improvement as a physician and in the outcomes for others. Coaches hold you accountable and can help improve your performance.

So, whether your goals for the year are improving your guitar playing, figuring our your next professional step, learning how to be a better manager, doing less of (or stopping entirely) those things that no longer serve this year’s version of you, or whatever else was on your annual list of resolutions, find someone who can help coach you towards those goals and with time and work, you will get closer. I would love to help!  

If you’re still experiencing the winter doldrums and aren’t quite ready for your spring cleaning, remember that time is a construct and that whenever you are ready is the right time for you. Spend a little more time resting and preparing for what comes next. Summer will be here before we know it.

March Madness 2022 –Women’s Basketball Is Officially Part of March Madness and the Impact of NIL

The Final Four is set for both the Men’s and Women’s Brackets for NCAA Basketball.  While St. Peter’s Peacocks historic run had many of us rooting for the underdog, it was not to be.  The Men’s Final Four contains the familiar teams of Villanova v. Kansas and Duke v. University of North Carolina.

The NCAA Women’s March Madness Tournament is also down to their Final Four, which includes the familiar powerhouse teams of South Carolina v. Louisville and Stanford v. University of Connecticut. However, while these teams are familiar to the big dance, this is the first year that NCAA has permitted Women’s Basketball to use the term “March Madness” for its tournament. 

Last year, the inequities of how the men’s and women’s tournaments were treated were drawn into focus when University of Oregon player Sedona Prince posted a video showing the laughable disparity between the women’s “weight room,” which consisted only of a small rack of hand weights, and the giant men’s weight room with rows and rows of benches, free weights, and other equipment.  The immediate and public outcry resulted in further scrutiny about the inequities between the men’s and women’s tournaments, including Covid testing, food, broadcast and sponsorship contracts, etc., detailed in a 114-page report from civil rights lawyer Roberta A. Kaplan.

With its inequitable conduct on full public display, the NCAA’s hand was forced to make changes, including allowing the women’s tournament to use the term “March Madness,” which the NCAA had not previously allowed.  Additional changes included expanding the number of women’s teams in the tournament, increasing NCAA staff for women’s basketball, and shrinking (but not closing) the gap in funding.

This was not the only challenge the NCAA faced last year. On June 21, 2021, the US Supreme Court in NCAA v. Alstonruled that the NCAA restrictions on schools paying education-related expenses of student-athletes violated antitrust laws. In a concurrence, Justice Kavanaugh stated that the NCAA rules restricting student-athletes from receiving compensation or benefits from their colleges for playing sports also “raise serious questions under the antitrust laws.” As a result, just a few days later, on June 30, 2021, the NCAA Board of Governors approved an interim name, image, and likeness (NIL) policy allowing college athletes to earn compensation from use of their NIL and to engage with companies and agents that manage NIL activities with states adopting NIL laws in a piecemeal fashion.

Why do I tie NIL and Women’s Basketball March Madness together? Because investing in women’s sports and women athletes is good business.  On average, viewership for the NCAA Women’s March Madness Tournament is up 15% this year in the first two rounds, with an increase of 25% in the second round. In addition, this year’s tournament broke attendance records that stood for nearly 20 years. This increase of attention and investment also is on display with NIL opportunities.  Women athletes excel at social media usage (see the power of Sedona Price’s TikTok post above).  Women’s basketball accounts for almost a quarter of NIL compensation, trailing only football among all sports. And women's basketball posts on TikTok are earning $2,805 on average per post — more than football and men's basketball. UConn’s Paige Bueckers leads the pack with an estimated earning potential in NIL of $1 million per year, more than she would make playing for a year in the WNBA.  Many women college athletes will not have the opportunity play professionally, but due to NIL and a robust social media presence, they are able to make a return on their hard work and athletic (and social media) excellence while in college.

***Updated to note that according to Opendorse, for players playing in both the 2022 Men’s and Women’s Final Four, 4 out of the top 5 NIL earners are women: 1) Paige Bueckers (W. UConn); 2) Hailey Van Lith (W. Louisville); 3) Paolo Banchero (M. Duke); 4) Zia Cooke (W. South Carolina); and 5) Azzi Fudd (W. U Conn).

It's clear that the movement to more investment and more opportunity in women’s sports leads to positive returns.  And while I’m not in the prediction business, here’s who I have taking it all:

Men’s Tournament - Duke led by retiring Coach K

Women’s Tournament - South Carolina led by Coach Dawn Staley  

Founder Profile - Courtney James, PT Prehab

Crisilid is excited to be launching its Founder Profile interview series to spread the work of inspiring entrepreneurs taking on new challenges.

Our first Founder Profile is on Courtney James, founder of PT Prehab.

Q1.       Please tell us a little about yourself.

A. Growing up, playing basketball was my life. Starting back in High School, I was looking to pursue an occupation which encompassed my passions: nutrition, psychology, and movement health. That’s when I found Physical Therapy (PT).

While earning my Doctorate in PT, I had the opportunity to teach Anatomy and Physiology to Undergraduates. I learned that having a deep understanding of body structures and their inner workings gives you the power to understand what is happening within your body. This foundation of knowledge helped me to become great at understanding what others are feeling / experiencing within their own bodies (and I continue to teach A&P at both Curry College and Regis College).

After earning my Degree in 2019 from the University of Scranton, I moved back home to Boston and began working in the outpatient orthopedic setting. It was here that I noticed barriers to access for many patients who could benefit from PT but had a high co-pay, lack of insurance, busy schedules, etc. Additionally, and most importantly, I noticed a disconnect in patient understanding about the benefits that PT can provide. Physical therapy isn’t only a service people should access if they are in current pain, it can be beneficial before they have pain or even if they want to work on their body’s movement health in general. It was from recognizing these barriers that my idea for PT Prehab was born.

Q2.       What does your business do?

A. PT Prehab provides affordable, cash-based, Telehealth Physical Therapy Services to the everyday person from the comfort of your own home. We advocate for proactive care of musculoskeletal and women’s (pelvic floor) health. Our services are similar to those of in-person Physical Therapy including musculoskeletal evaluations and follow-up appointments, injury-prevention training, and personalized home exercise programs. All clients receive access to our HIPAA-compliant portal where they can communicate directly with their Physical Therapist, view their home exercise programs and log into their virtual sessions via webpage or App. 

At PT Prehab, we use an individualistic approach by carefully discussing how your body is feeling, assessing your movement health, and then coming up with a personalized plan. While we all share the same anatomy, everyone’s movement health is vastly different depending on previous experience, current habits, and future goals. We believe that your treatment plan should be straightforward and personalized to your needs and goals whether that is a stronger pelvic floor, return to running, or improving your posture, or beyond, the options are endless.

Q3.       What motivated you to start this company?

A. From being a patient myself to a provider on the other side, I see full circle where the disconnect lies between receiving quality care and providing quality services.

As a patient, it is confusing what provider to see (and when), how much it will cost you (even with insurance), how you’re going to find the time (most appointments available in the middle of a workday), and where to even start this process!

As a provider, my time was limited. I was under pressure to bill certain units per insurance reimbursement, scheduling made it difficult to see patients at the right consistency, and I wanted more for my patient’s outcomes!

I found all these barriers frustrating because I know what value Physical Therapy can provide. This frustration turned into motivation for me as it motivated me to envision what a solution could look like.

On a mid-pandemic walk through Cambridge I began to solidify my business plan to provide virtual cash-based PT services. My vision was to create a company where clients could receive affordable Physical Therapy services using the equipment that they have right at home. Additionally, I wanted to create a company where we did not only focus on rehab from an injury, but injury prevention as well (“prehabilitation”). It took time and multiple iterations, but with the help of a talented support system, PT Prehab was born. 

Q4.       What is something you wish you knew before you started this business?

A. Patience…a more realistic understanding of time.

If you go online and look up entrepreneurial stories, you will find the startup fairytales of those that achieved quick success OR you’ll find a story about a wildly successful company and the story behind the hustle it took to get started is just a brief mention.

The moment after you officially “launch” your company there is HUGE excitement; from just an idea to fruition, your vision is finally here. Whether you spent 1 year or 5 years building the infrastructure of the business, the time it took to build can seem like endeavor enough.

Now you’ve hit “launch” and you recognize areas that need improvement, you address these and refine (this cycle should never end). At the same time, you launch your marketing plan, your sales strategy, your business acumen. Suddenly the building of the business seems glamorous in comparison; you realize you are in the true grind and it requires daily motivation to keep improving and building.

What I think is often overlooked about this progression is just how much time the phase of scaling your business can take (and I don’t mean the day-to-day time because we can anticipate that). I am describing the months, the years, the persistence…the PATIENCE it takes to show up every day trusting that you are building something bigger.

As an owner, the reason I think patience can be so tough is that we believe strongly in our business and want everyone to know about it as of yesterday AND we want our business to succeed. 

While this drive can become a huge motivator, it can also become discouraging if you don’t see the kind of immediate growth you were hoping for. This is where I had to reform my understanding of patience and time. I can’t expect for a business to grow exponentially overnight, but I can focus on all of the amazing things we are already accomplishing, many of which weren’t even on my radar a year ago, or all of the clients that have already benefitted from our services who might not have received care otherwise. The reality is that it takes years to build organic growth, it’s important to put time into it and enjoy the journey!

Q5.       What is your biggest goal for the next year?

A. We have quite a few goals brewing! Over the next year, we aim to ramp up our community involvement including partnering with like-minded professionals and businesses. Starting Spring 2022, we plan to be more present through hosting workshops at local businesses or gyms. Additionally, in the next year, we plan to take part in community events such as Wellness in the Park days featuring exercise classes, nutrition, health professionals, etc.

Q6.       What advice would you give to someone thinking about starting a new business?

A. You don’t need to know how to do everything, but you do need to know yourself well enough to assess what your strengths / weaknesses are. By knowing where the gaps are, you can then seek the complimentary expertise or education. For a personal example, I didn’t know where to begin with the legal aspect of starting a business (nor legalities we have encountered on the way) – that’s where Nancy’s tremendous expertise comes in! (Note, we are very grateful for Courtney’s unsolicited and kind endorsement!)

On this note, one of the great things about having your own business is all the skills you will acquire. I have taught myself photoshop, social media marketing, sales, key business metrics to measure, etc. A lot of these skills I acquired through consistently rolling up my sleeves and others from reading books on the subject or listening to Podcasts…there is a lot of helpful information out there if you seek it!

If you have questions or would like to learn more about PT Prehab, you can contact PT Prehab here. PT Prehab has excellent and informative content on its social media channels. You can find it on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn.

Some of the answers provided were edited for clarity.

You Are Not Too Much

To those of you who were told we are too much, this is for you.  Too much what?  It doesn’t matter.  Too loud, too aggressive, too big, too small, too loud, too shy, too confident, too standoffish, I could go on and on with this list.  Let me tell you something right now.  You are not too much.  You are just enough.

You see, we aren’t all supposed to be the same.  But sometimes who you are makes other people uncomfortable.  That reaction of others to you isn’t about you.  It is about the person who told you that you were too much.  They were bothered by you and your just enough-ness.

How you showed up in that moment did not invite feedback.  That feedback was forced upon you in an attempt to dim your light or to make you feel less than.  Don’t let it. 

I have numerous experiences when how I showed up caused discomfort in others, so they wanted to cause discomfort for me.  A story that comes immediately to mind was when I was a junior litigator (that’s someone who appears in court for those unfamiliar with the term), a partner included in my review that I “had too much of an edge.”  Truly, a baffling critique of a lawyer who is supposed to appear in court and strongly advocate for her clients.  

The world needs whatever you have extra of.  It is not a weakness; it is a strength.  Your introversion makes you thoughtful and you can add a new dimension of thinking to a project that will make it better.  Your big volume makes you heard as an advocate for yourself and others.  Your body is a good body because all bodies are good bodies worthy of respect, autonomy, and stylish clothing.  You don’t need to shrink or change yourself to be worthy.    

You are just enough. Just as you are.   

Please consider this an invitation to share your “too much” story with others so we can learn from it.  And if you can’t get your own inner critic to stop calling you “too much,” consider coaching to learn a new way to talk to yourself. 

On International Women’s Day, We Must Do Better for Women at Work

March 8 is International Women’s Day, a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. It also stands as a day to act to accelerate women’s equality.  The 2022 theme for International Women’s Day is #BreakTheBias. The IWD website asks us to:

Imagine a gender equal world

A world free of bias, stereotypes, and discrimination.

A world that is diverse, equitable, and inclusive.

A world where difference is valued and celebrated.

Together we can force women’s equality.

Collectively we can all #BreakTheBias

The roots of International Women’s Day started as National Women’s Day in New York when the labor activist Theresa Malkiel and the Socialist Party of America organized an observance to advocate for women’s rights, including labor rights.  In March 2011, the first International Women’s Day was observed by over a million people throughout Europe.  The demonstrations were used to demand the right to vote, to hold public office, and to protest employment discrimination.

The labor movement and the employment rights of women have been a fundamental component of International Women’s Day from its start.  So on this International Women’s Day, I wanted to take a look on the state of women at work. It’s not great… As the impact of the pandemic on employment seems to be stabilizing, we have seen that the job losses experienced over the last few years have disproportionately impacted women.  In the first two months of the Covid crisis, women lost more than a million jobs than men.  During the roller coaster of pandemic surges over 2021 and 2022, the data show that men were recovering jobs at a much higher rate than women.  The job losses of women during the past few years have been so disproportionate, the term “she-cession” was coined to describe the phenomenon.  Black women have been hit especially hard by pandemic job losses with an unemployment rate of 5.8%, higher than Latinas, Asian and white women. Now at this point in the jobs recovery, men have regained triple the lost jobs that women have leaving women behind.

In addition to the involuntary she-cession, we have also seen the “Great Resignation” occur – the voluntary mass exodus of workers from the job market.  Turns out, women are also voluntarily leaving work at consistently higher rates than men. For example, in January 2022, 4.1% of women quit their jobs versus 3.4% of men. Turns out that because two out of every three caregivers in the U.S. are women, those disruptions to childcare caused by a raging health crisis disproportionately impact women. Huh… Who could have predicted that?

In case it isn’t clear, losing women in the workforce is a bad thing.  Data show that diverse teams perform better than non-diverse teams.  Reducing the diversity of the workforce limits innovation and impacts problem solving, which means losing women from work is bad for business. Women also are the primary consumers in this country influencing 85% of all consumer purchases. So women losing access to income and spending power hurts our consumer economy.  In addition, employee turnover is costly.  Each resignation can cost a company up to one-third of the worker’s salary.  Employee turnover has cost US companies more than $630 Billion and economists expect high employee turnover to continue in 2022.    

On this International Women’s Day, we need to take action to #BreakTheBias by creating better workplaces to support the return of women to work. Those who are in positions to hire must ensure that they are getting a diverse range of candidates and should consider candidates who might have a caregiving gap on their resumes.  Paid medical and family leave are table stakes.  Flexible work is a must.  Pushing employees back into the office when we now know remote work is effective and productive will only result in additional losses of women from the job market.  Actively support the retention of your employees by providing them opportunities for growth as well as opportunities for rest when needed. And of course, companies must ensure that they are paying a living and equal wage to their employees. We can only have a world that is diverse, equitable, and inclusive when women have equal economic opportunity. Here’s hoping that 2022 will be the year of the “she-covery.”

What’s Your Story?

I’ve watched my daughter prepare for her upcoming role in a musical over the last few months. As the performance date approaches, I have noticed that she is spending so much energy worrying about what people would think if she made a mistake that it was all she could focus on.  Instead of enjoying the process of becoming her character, she was telling herself the story of her imagined worst-case scenarios. It was sapping her energy and her joy.

It got me to thinking how often we do this over the course of our lives.  Where instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy a moment, we deprive ourselves of doing something—dancing, trying something new, stepping onto that karaoke stage, wearing something bold, speaking out, etc.—because we tell ourselves others will judge us harshly if we make a mistake.  But studies show that we overestimate how much people judge us for our mistakes (or even notice our mistakes at all).  

It is not really the judgment of others that gets in our way, but the false narrative we create in our heads. So, if we are the authors of our own story, why not tell a better one? Instead of telling ourselves the story of our potential failures and mistakes, we instead craft a narrative where we get to be the hero of our own tale.  Why not feel the joy of being on stage and giving our best performance, instead of the panic of an imagined and not so important mistake?

When you start hearing that voice inside your head tell you a story you don’t like, ask yourself “what is the story I am telling myself?” Then give yourself the opportunity to tell yourself a better one. One where you get to be victorious on your quest. If your inner narrator is giving you some trouble, maybe give coaching a try.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson

On Loss, Grief, and Time

The past few years have brought more than their fair share of grief and loss to many of us.  The death toll from Covid-19 currently stands at over 900,000 in the U.S. with nearly 6 million deaths worldwide.  At least 72% of Americans know someone that has been hospitalized or died from Covid-19. And as much as we are all feeling done with Covid, Covid it seems, is not quite done with us.

Covid is also not the only thing that has taken people from us over the past few years. We have lost people to cancer, heart attacks, accidents, and many other ways.  Each death impacts, on average, nine people, meaning the ripple effect of each death is significant. In addition, over the past few years Covid complicated the few rituals we Americans have to experience and process the death of a loved one. And let’s face it, we Americans are not great at expressing or allowing for the expression of grief.  89% of Americans agree that everyone should learn to talk about grief.  But 70% of Americans say they don’t know what to say or do when someone is grieving. Perhaps, it is as basic as Lawrence R. Samuel says: “The notion of one day disappearing is contrary to many of our defining cultural values, with death and dying viewed as profoundly ‘un-American’ experiences.”

This profound discomfort with grief spills over into our workplaces. Alan Wolfelt of the Center for Loss and Life Transition tells us that, “[t]he U.S. has some of the most stringent social norms of any country regarding grief.” Bereavement leave granted by workplaces, if any, is minimal and often unpaid because it is not required by the U.S. Fair Labor Standards Act. Only a few states require any such bereavement leave and it is an unpaid benefit. Is it any wonder that we don’t know how to handle and process grief—the culture prioritizes work over all and we embedded this disregard for grief it into our workplace laws.

Regardless of whether we are allowed the time and space to grieve, it has a profound influence on how we show up. Grief changes your brain and your body. Grief impacts memory, behavior, sleep, the immune system, and can cause other symptoms like inflammation and the dreaded “brain fog.”  Studies show that a parent who has lost a child or a person who has lost a spouse are nearly two times more likely to die within the first 3 months of their loss.  It takes most people at least 6-12 months to start to function better after a loss.  And yet, we feel like we are expected to be “back to normal” after just a few days because that is how we designed our social structures.  Anecdotally, those I know who have experienced a loss in recent years (myself included) have struggled with the expectations (including those we put on ourselves) that we should just be over it—whatever that means. We are not biologically wired to process grief that fast, and those expectations cause further harm to the grieving.  

Grief remains a part of us when we lose someone we love. We adapt to its presence in our lives. With time and healthy coping mechanisms, grief doesn’t take a leading role each day. Instead, it becomes a piece of who we are. Tonkin’s model of grief tells us that our grief stays the same size, but our life grows around our grief and becomes smaller in relation to the whole. And that growth takes time.

So why did I write this? I’m not a therapist. I’m not a grief counselor. I am simply a person who has grieved and is still grieving a loss, but finally feeling that the hardest part is behind me. I want to help make talking about grief and its impact on us more “normal.” I see people around me who are grieving and feeling shame or feeling alone and unsupported in their grief. To those people, know that you don’t need to be OK. Give yourself time and patience to process the complex physical and emotional stages of grief. And if you are close to someone who has experienced a loss, instead of shying away from hearing about their pain or offering platitudes about getting through it, just sit with your loved one in their grief. Be there without judgment or expectation. Be uncomfortable. Keep showing up that way for as long as it takes, even if it takes a year or more. And for those of you who manage a team or have the ability to make workplace policy, know that your workplace will be impacted by grief and loss. Implement structures and policies to support the experience of moving through grief for your employees. The role of grief in our society has grown immensely over the past few years and will continue to grow as the Boomers continue to age. It is time we figure out a new approach to dealing with grieving that takes into account the reality of those experiences.

A Galentine’s Day Love Letter to Old Friends (and Mary J. Blige)

In addition to this past Sunday being Super Bowl Sunday, it was also Galentine’s Day.

“What is Galentine’s Day, you ask? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year. … Ladies celebrating ladies.” – Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation.

While I didn’t have a team in the Super Bowl this year (go Pats!), I did have a major interest in catching the Super Bowl halftime show featuring Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, 50 Cent (surprise!), and the incomparable Mary J. Blige.  Yes, I am a Gen Xer. These artists created the soundtrack to some of my best memories – those with my roommates and friends during our early 20s.

A wave of nostalgia swept over our group like the scent of CK One at our favorite club on a Thursday night in the late 90s. We flashed back to those evenings in our house with 5 roommates and 1.5 bathrooms—music blasting, as we swapped wardrobe items, fixed makeup, and debated about whether we could leave the house without a coat. The group chat was hyped about the show, as we were posting memes and joking about how we thought we could still get down (but maybe not get back up again…) to these anthems of our youth.

The world has changed since those days of our youth, and so have we.  We have gone on to a variety of careers, moved to different states, and grown up (more or less). Some are married, some divorced, some single. Some of us are parents. Some of us lost parents.  We are not the same people we were when fate and college brought us together.

But through it all, we remain connected. Those connections stretched and flexed over the years. When the pandemic took hold, we turned to each other. They helped carry me through my father’s terminal illness. We celebrated Zoom birthdays and new jobs. We were compassionate ears and hard truth tellers.  

Turns out we were not alone in leaning on our old friends to help us through difficult times. Research shows that psychological distress can cause nostalgia, which can increase “positive mood, self-esteem, and self-confidence.” It is no surprise that the Super Bowl halftime show sparked joy in us and so many other Gen Xers and Elder Millennials.

So if you need a mood boost, make time to enjoy that nostalgia. Reach out to those old friends that know and love you for all that you are and have watched your journey unfold. Find those old mix CD’s and turn them into playlists. Have a dance party. In the immortal words of Mary J. Blige:

Come on baby, just party with me
Let loose and set your body free
Leave your situations at the door
So when you step inside jump on the floor

Even if just for a short time.  The situations will be there when you get back, but maybe you will be more prepared to deal with them.

And to my old friends, I am forever grateful for your friendship.

I Could Never…

As the Winter Olympics are in full swing, many of us are watching in awe of the grace, strength, speed, and courage of these athletes.  Many of us are also saying to ourselves, I could never [fill in the blank with the amazing feat of athleticism] …  What we don’t see is the years of training and hard work these athletes have put in to prepare themselves for these games.  

Take Olympic gold medalists Nathan Chen, who dazzled with his figure skating.  He started skating at age 3 in Salt Lake City.  He was competing in national championships at 16. Nathan Chen spends 4-5 hours a day training to be able to perform those gravity defying quadruple axels . And while a quadruple axel may be out of reach for most people, learning to ice skate is not.

When you catch yourself saying, “I could never…” to something – a job, an activity, an accomplishment of any kind, you are limiting your ability to dream and to achieve something that is possible simply because the path to the big goal is unclear.  What if instead of telling yourself you could never, you asked yourself, “how could I get one step closer?”

James Clear, author of “Atomic Habits” talks about continuous improvement. The highlight of this approach is that the most effective way to work towards a goal is to make choices that allow you to get 1% better each day. Hoping to increase your flexibility? Commit to 10 minutes of stretching a few times a week before jumping into that hour-long hot yoga class.  Do you want to work some mediation into your regular routine? Start with setting a 1-minute timer or use a short, guided audio meditation a few times a week. Want to read more? Carve out 5-10 minutes a few times a week to sit down with a book or listen to an audio book while you are in the car or walking.

The importance of choosing to take these smaller actions is to help you break away from all or nothing thinking, a cognitive distortion that causes you to evaluate yourself in extreme terms (e.g. if I can’t read a book a week, I’m a total failure). Instead, by breaking your bigger goal into smaller tasks that are achievable in the short term (with a healthy dose of self-compassion), you can work to get 1% better each day. Over the course of a year, that would be 37 times better than when you started! And while it might not get you to land a triple Lutz, it would get you cruising around the ice with more speed and skill than if you never started at all.  

So what is something you want to get 1% better at?

Get & Stay in the Game: Celebrating National Girls & Women in Sports Day

On February 2, 2022, we recognize the National Girls and Women in Sports Day. As a former (maybe still current?) athlete and a coach of girls in sports, I have a particular affinity for celebrating the power of sports and its impact over the short and long term. This year we also celebrate the 50th anniversary of Title IX, the legislation that called for equal participation in programs that were federally funded, resulting in a breakthrough for women in sports.

Sports can have serious benefits over the short and long term. Research from the Women’s Sports Foundation shows that girls who participate in sports experience, “improved physical and mental health; academic achievement; and increased levels of body esteem, confidence, and mastery.”

Sports promotes healthy competition and learning to win AND lose with grace. Sports helps to teach grit, risk taking, and resilience. These characteristics and skills are critical for professional growth and success.

I have seen these characteristics develop in my players over the years. I have watched them dig deep to come back from a deficit. I see them give themselves and their teammates grace when they are trying, but maybe not always hitting the mark. They build each other up, push each other to be better, and hold each other accountable. Year after year, I have had the privilege of watching them get better and find more joy in their skills.

But by age 14, girls drop out of sports at twice the rate of boys. The reasons range from lack of access (girls have 1.3 million fewer opportunities to play high school sports than boys) to social stigma (girls drop out of sports because they feel they are crossing gender boundaries) to lack of positive role models (“[o]nly 41% of women's collegiate teams are coached by women, and only 28% of youth sports coaches are women.”).

This attrition has impact because of the correlation sports has on women’s professional success. 80% of female Fortune 500 executives played competitive sports at some time in their lives. And 94% of women in the C-suite played sports, which shows that many of the most powerful women in business learned their tools for success on the playing field before they entered the board room.

If you have a young person at home, encourage them to get or stay in the game. And tune into your own inner athlete — put on your game face and let your competitiveness and risk taking shine at work. Even if you didn’t grow up playing sports, it’s never too late to find an activity that you enjoy and to experience the benefits of sports. Finally, just like in sports, a great coach can help you learn new skills, develop your game plan, and improve your performance. If you want some help getting improving your game, put me in, I’m ready!

Subduing the “Fear Monster”

It creeps into your bedroom in the middle of the night, waking you with a start, whispering, “you are going to fail…” There it is again, crashing into the middle of a meeting shouting, “you don’t belong here.”  It pops up again as you’re applying for that promotion saying, “you aren’t good enough.” It springs up unexpectedly again and again throwing doubts and limitations in your path. It pushes you to be smaller, to take the path of safety, to do “what’s expected,” to give up because surely you can’t hope to succeed. Whether you call it your inner critic, self-limiting beliefs, or the fear monster, it exists and it makes us miserable.

Once upon a time, perhaps that fear monster was your friend. Maybe it pushed you to work harder. To strive for perfection. To be better. But how is that fear monster helping you now? It’s probably just getting in the way. And it might be time to set out some ground rules for your relationship with this overly familiar friend.

Name it

When the negative self- talk appears in the chat without an invitation, identify it for what it is. Maybe even give it a name. Like Shirley… Who can be afraid of a Shirley? (if your name is Shirley, I mean no offense, honest. Call it whatever you want.).

Give it a look

Try to give your fear monster a form. Maybe it’s a scary form. Maybe it looks like a person. Maybe it’s a furry Muppet with horns and purple spots. Whatever you see when you close your eyes and think about it – that is your fear monster’s new look.

Set some boundaries

When the fear monster shows up uninvited, acknowledge its presence, ask yourself whether it is actually helping you right now, and if not (when it is not) send it away. Put it in a timeout, send it on a trip, park it in the economy lot at the airport, just put it somewhere it won’t interfere with how you are showing up and what you are telling yourself.

The fear monster is a tricky and persistent character (mine is a slippery shadow that is most often available for a 3AM wakeup call). But trying a new approach to dealing with it can help you set limits on its impact. And working with a coach can help you develop the skills to put the fear monster in its place. I’m still doing the work myself, but I can attest that a good coach can make all the difference (thanks Kamrin!).

Setting Birthday Goals instead of Making Birthday Wishes

In recent years, I have started using birthdays as deadlines for achieving big goals. Last year, I ran my first half marathon. As an athlete growing up, distance running was my mortal enemy. Running wasn’t fun, playing basketball and running a soccer field was fun. Running was boring and painful. I couldn’t figure out pacing or how to breathe without getting a stitch in my side. Building the stamina it took to run long distances felt too hard and unpleasant. And so I didn’t. Over the years, I half-heartedly tried and failed at becoming a runner a number of times while I was searching for my athletic identity as an adult.

Fast forward to season one of the global pandemic. We were home. Home all the time. Home all the time with the same people. We were trying to figure out home schooling and getting groceries (and wiping down those groceries with sanitizing wipes…). We were too anxious to leave the house. Too anxious to spend time with friends in person, and mostly too burnt out for another Zoom happy hour. I needed exercise because it helped me think and feel better (and boy, did I need to feel better), but going into the gym wasn’t happening and adding to my paltry home gym at the time wasn’t a possibility due to supply chain issues. Enter running. Again…

Could it be any different this time? Yes, because it can always be different. I was different and so were my circumstances. First, I had a dog (a just pre-pandemic pup) who loved to exercise and took to running like a duck to water. She was most excited on the days she saw me stretching for our runs. Second, running was one of the rare times that I had space alone for thinking or sometimes not thinking. Third, I reset my expectations on what it meant to be “a runner” and started small. I started with a slow pace and shorter distances, breaking up running intervals with walking. Gradually, it got easier. I could run longer distances. I needed fewer walk breaks. 5K, then 5 miles, then 10K. Then I decided I was going to train for the 13.1 mile half marathon distance and that I wanted to run it for my next birthday in January 2021.

During that training season, my Dad got sick. Really sick. And instead of giving up running, I didn’t… While during that time, we all felt like we couldn’t help my Dad, I could control my running. So I did. I took him to doctor’s appointments and then I ran. I called his medical team and then I ran. I brought him to the hospital and then I ran. We received his terminal cancer diagnosis and then I ran. I called my friends for support and to cry and rage and then I ran. Many times I felt that I was quite literally running away from my problems. While everything else felt like it was spiraling out of control and we were dealing with the weight of our grief as a family, I stuck to my training because it felt good to be able to achieve something even when everything else felt so awful.

So on January 17, I completed my 13.1 mile journey (with my trusty runner dog) and 11 days later, my father passed away. 2021 wasn’t any kinder or easier than 2020. We lived through what felt like year 100 of the pandemic. I faced the unpleasant realization that simply bending over could be enough to throw out my back. I grieved. But I remembered that having a goal I was working to accomplish gave me focus and a respite from the things in life that felt chaotic and out of control. So I worked to find a new goal and this time I wanted that goal aligned with my professional purpose. What would I do next? I realized the work that resonated throughout my career was helping others find their own paths to success. This realization brought me to professional coaching. I attended the ACT program at Brown University to obtain my leadership and performance coaching certification for the technical skills to better help others turn their goals into action plans. And I set my own goal to launch Crisilid by my next birthday.

And here we are…

So what’s the moral of this story anyway? I suppose it is this: I know what it is like to struggle with where you are and what you are doing. I also know it takes resilience, determination, and the support of others to get you through when things seem too hard. Some may say that my goals weren’t that grand or challenging so completing them was no big deal. But they were MY goals. Comparing my running to Des Linden’s or my new business to a Bain or a Deloitte would be demoralizing and a waste of time. Shifting our perspective on our goals helps us keep them in sight. Moving forward on our own goals means first setting ones that are personal to us and then working to get a little bit better than we were the day before. And avoid comparing your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 20.

I don’t know what my next birthday goal will be yet, but I am looking forward to the inspiration. I’d love to hear about yours. And if you would like assistance setting and attaining your next goal, birthday or not, schedule time for a coaching session.