Welcome the Struggle

I remember vividly a 5-year-old version of me sitting outside on the front steps of my childhood home staring down my untied shoes. With teeth clenched, I declared that I would not go inside my house until I figured out how to tie those laces. Tongue between teeth, I worked the loop, swoop, and pull over and over again. Palpable frustration built in my chest. Why wouldn’t it work? Why couldn’t I do it? The sun was setting, and it was starting to get darker outside. I decided I needed a change of scenery so to the back steps I went. More looping, swooping, and pulling… Until finally, there it was, a bow. I untied it and did it again – another bow! I entered the house triumphant choosing to celebrate with a frosty glass of milk.

While we have all faced much more consequential struggles in our lives than learning to tie our laces, this memory is one I draw on again and again as a reminder that struggling is how I learn and where the growth happens.

Life constantly presents us with the opportunity for struggles and it is up to us: 1) whether we choose to engage in the struggle at all, and 2) how we approach the struggle. Whether the struggle is working on developing a new skill, handling a challenging assignment at work, figuring out how to scale your business, dealing with a difficult colleague, or one of the many other challenges we are presented with in our lives, choosing to engage in the struggle and being open to the lessons that comes from failing is crucial to learning.

Through struggle we learn to accept that we have opportunity for growth. Struggle shows us that we are not yet a finished product. Carol Dweck in her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, wrote about growth mindset versus fixed mindset. Much has been written about growth versus fixed mindset, but to summarize, if you have a growth mindset, you view intelligence, abilities, and talents as something that can be changed with effort (i.e. struggle leads to learning and growth). Those with a fixed mindset view those same traits as something that are fixed and cannot be changed over time (avoid the struggle because it is useless, and you will never get better).  

Neuroscientists determined that how your brain reacts to mistakes depends on your mindset. Meaning if you embrace struggle as an opportunity for growth, it will become an opportunity for growth. In The Talent Code, Daniel Coyle explains that in order to become a top performer, you need to struggle at the edges of your ability and fail in order to breakthrough to better performance. In sum, struggling is necessary to get really good at something. Sitting in struggle and knowing that it is OK to be uncertain opens the mind to be curious and to try new ways of achieving an outcome. And maybe the next time, the next attempt, will be the right one.  Channel Thomas Edison, who said: “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”

So, welcome the struggle. In fact, look for more ways to invite struggle into your life to facilitate growth.  And if you have been struggling with something and can’t seem to think of one more approach to try, look for a new point of view. Ask a friend, family member, or colleague. Ask someone with no domain expertise how they would approach the issue. Turning to a coach as a resource to help you with your struggle is also a great way to get fresh insight and perspective.  It’s also OK to take a break and rest for a while. Sometimes a breakthrough can only come after some rest and a change of scenery.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas Edison

Time for Spring Cleaning Your Life

We made it to spring! For those of you in the Northeast, like me, we are experiencing whiplash weather. Some days it is 60 and sunny and other days its feels like the damp, drab cold of February. But it is officially April, Major League Baseball is going to happen, and as we look back on the first quarter of the year, it is probably time for a little spring cleaning.

There is something about the beginning of the spring season that compels us to air out our homes, do a thorough cleaning from top to bottom, and purge our closets of those items that no longer bring us joy. The spring is also a great time to think about a spring cleaning for your life.

We completed the first quarter of the year. How did you do on those New Year’s Resolutions? If you are well on your way, now is a great time to recommit to them. If you struggled, well, it is the start of new season, so why not start again or even set new goals with the brightness of the days ahead to help light your way. Write them down and take one small, achievable step each week to get a little closer.

Did you want to find a new job this year? There is still time to network and job search before the summer vacation season starts challenging schedules.  Try committing to doing three things to advance that goal, one for each month of the spring season. Take 30 minutes this week and identify 1-2 networking opportunities and put at least 1 of them on your schedule for April.

Maybe instead of adding things, you are looking to Marie Kondo some things in your life. Are there habits that no longer serve you? Perhaps there are relationships that you have outgrown and you need to set some new boundaries. Remember, in order to say yes to those things that are most important, there are things you will need to say no to. Identify them and be a little bit ruthless about limiting their impact on your life.

Whatever it is that you want to accomplish, the longer days of spring may give you that boost of energy and motivation to make progress. If there is there something in your life you want to get better at this year, commit to hiring a coach or a teacher to invest in yourself. If you need motivation, look no further than this inspiring Ted Talk by Dr. Atul Gawande, who saw the benefits of hiring a coach for both his own improvement as a physician and in the outcomes for others. Coaches hold you accountable and can help improve your performance.

So, whether your goals for the year are improving your guitar playing, figuring our your next professional step, learning how to be a better manager, doing less of (or stopping entirely) those things that no longer serve this year’s version of you, or whatever else was on your annual list of resolutions, find someone who can help coach you towards those goals and with time and work, you will get closer. I would love to help!  

If you’re still experiencing the winter doldrums and aren’t quite ready for your spring cleaning, remember that time is a construct and that whenever you are ready is the right time for you. Spend a little more time resting and preparing for what comes next. Summer will be here before we know it.

You Are Not Too Much

To those of you who were told we are too much, this is for you.  Too much what?  It doesn’t matter.  Too loud, too aggressive, too big, too small, too loud, too shy, too confident, too standoffish, I could go on and on with this list.  Let me tell you something right now.  You are not too much.  You are just enough.

You see, we aren’t all supposed to be the same.  But sometimes who you are makes other people uncomfortable.  That reaction of others to you isn’t about you.  It is about the person who told you that you were too much.  They were bothered by you and your just enough-ness.

How you showed up in that moment did not invite feedback.  That feedback was forced upon you in an attempt to dim your light or to make you feel less than.  Don’t let it. 

I have numerous experiences when how I showed up caused discomfort in others, so they wanted to cause discomfort for me.  A story that comes immediately to mind was when I was a junior litigator (that’s someone who appears in court for those unfamiliar with the term), a partner included in my review that I “had too much of an edge.”  Truly, a baffling critique of a lawyer who is supposed to appear in court and strongly advocate for her clients.  

The world needs whatever you have extra of.  It is not a weakness; it is a strength.  Your introversion makes you thoughtful and you can add a new dimension of thinking to a project that will make it better.  Your big volume makes you heard as an advocate for yourself and others.  Your body is a good body because all bodies are good bodies worthy of respect, autonomy, and stylish clothing.  You don’t need to shrink or change yourself to be worthy.    

You are just enough. Just as you are.   

Please consider this an invitation to share your “too much” story with others so we can learn from it.  And if you can’t get your own inner critic to stop calling you “too much,” consider coaching to learn a new way to talk to yourself. 

What’s Your Story?

I’ve watched my daughter prepare for her upcoming role in a musical over the last few months. As the performance date approaches, I have noticed that she is spending so much energy worrying about what people would think if she made a mistake that it was all she could focus on.  Instead of enjoying the process of becoming her character, she was telling herself the story of her imagined worst-case scenarios. It was sapping her energy and her joy.

It got me to thinking how often we do this over the course of our lives.  Where instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy a moment, we deprive ourselves of doing something—dancing, trying something new, stepping onto that karaoke stage, wearing something bold, speaking out, etc.—because we tell ourselves others will judge us harshly if we make a mistake.  But studies show that we overestimate how much people judge us for our mistakes (or even notice our mistakes at all).  

It is not really the judgment of others that gets in our way, but the false narrative we create in our heads. So, if we are the authors of our own story, why not tell a better one? Instead of telling ourselves the story of our potential failures and mistakes, we instead craft a narrative where we get to be the hero of our own tale.  Why not feel the joy of being on stage and giving our best performance, instead of the panic of an imagined and not so important mistake?

When you start hearing that voice inside your head tell you a story you don’t like, ask yourself “what is the story I am telling myself?” Then give yourself the opportunity to tell yourself a better one. One where you get to be victorious on your quest. If your inner narrator is giving you some trouble, maybe give coaching a try.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson

I Could Never…

As the Winter Olympics are in full swing, many of us are watching in awe of the grace, strength, speed, and courage of these athletes.  Many of us are also saying to ourselves, I could never [fill in the blank with the amazing feat of athleticism] …  What we don’t see is the years of training and hard work these athletes have put in to prepare themselves for these games.  

Take Olympic gold medalists Nathan Chen, who dazzled with his figure skating.  He started skating at age 3 in Salt Lake City.  He was competing in national championships at 16. Nathan Chen spends 4-5 hours a day training to be able to perform those gravity defying quadruple axels . And while a quadruple axel may be out of reach for most people, learning to ice skate is not.

When you catch yourself saying, “I could never…” to something – a job, an activity, an accomplishment of any kind, you are limiting your ability to dream and to achieve something that is possible simply because the path to the big goal is unclear.  What if instead of telling yourself you could never, you asked yourself, “how could I get one step closer?”

James Clear, author of “Atomic Habits” talks about continuous improvement. The highlight of this approach is that the most effective way to work towards a goal is to make choices that allow you to get 1% better each day. Hoping to increase your flexibility? Commit to 10 minutes of stretching a few times a week before jumping into that hour-long hot yoga class.  Do you want to work some mediation into your regular routine? Start with setting a 1-minute timer or use a short, guided audio meditation a few times a week. Want to read more? Carve out 5-10 minutes a few times a week to sit down with a book or listen to an audio book while you are in the car or walking.

The importance of choosing to take these smaller actions is to help you break away from all or nothing thinking, a cognitive distortion that causes you to evaluate yourself in extreme terms (e.g. if I can’t read a book a week, I’m a total failure). Instead, by breaking your bigger goal into smaller tasks that are achievable in the short term (with a healthy dose of self-compassion), you can work to get 1% better each day. Over the course of a year, that would be 37 times better than when you started! And while it might not get you to land a triple Lutz, it would get you cruising around the ice with more speed and skill than if you never started at all.  

So what is something you want to get 1% better at?

Get & Stay in the Game: Celebrating National Girls & Women in Sports Day

On February 2, 2022, we recognize the National Girls and Women in Sports Day. As a former (maybe still current?) athlete and a coach of girls in sports, I have a particular affinity for celebrating the power of sports and its impact over the short and long term. This year we also celebrate the 50th anniversary of Title IX, the legislation that called for equal participation in programs that were federally funded, resulting in a breakthrough for women in sports.

Sports can have serious benefits over the short and long term. Research from the Women’s Sports Foundation shows that girls who participate in sports experience, “improved physical and mental health; academic achievement; and increased levels of body esteem, confidence, and mastery.”

Sports promotes healthy competition and learning to win AND lose with grace. Sports helps to teach grit, risk taking, and resilience. These characteristics and skills are critical for professional growth and success.

I have seen these characteristics develop in my players over the years. I have watched them dig deep to come back from a deficit. I see them give themselves and their teammates grace when they are trying, but maybe not always hitting the mark. They build each other up, push each other to be better, and hold each other accountable. Year after year, I have had the privilege of watching them get better and find more joy in their skills.

But by age 14, girls drop out of sports at twice the rate of boys. The reasons range from lack of access (girls have 1.3 million fewer opportunities to play high school sports than boys) to social stigma (girls drop out of sports because they feel they are crossing gender boundaries) to lack of positive role models (“[o]nly 41% of women's collegiate teams are coached by women, and only 28% of youth sports coaches are women.”).

This attrition has impact because of the correlation sports has on women’s professional success. 80% of female Fortune 500 executives played competitive sports at some time in their lives. And 94% of women in the C-suite played sports, which shows that many of the most powerful women in business learned their tools for success on the playing field before they entered the board room.

If you have a young person at home, encourage them to get or stay in the game. And tune into your own inner athlete — put on your game face and let your competitiveness and risk taking shine at work. Even if you didn’t grow up playing sports, it’s never too late to find an activity that you enjoy and to experience the benefits of sports. Finally, just like in sports, a great coach can help you learn new skills, develop your game plan, and improve your performance. If you want some help getting improving your game, put me in, I’m ready!

Subduing the “Fear Monster”

It creeps into your bedroom in the middle of the night, waking you with a start, whispering, “you are going to fail…” There it is again, crashing into the middle of a meeting shouting, “you don’t belong here.”  It pops up again as you’re applying for that promotion saying, “you aren’t good enough.” It springs up unexpectedly again and again throwing doubts and limitations in your path. It pushes you to be smaller, to take the path of safety, to do “what’s expected,” to give up because surely you can’t hope to succeed. Whether you call it your inner critic, self-limiting beliefs, or the fear monster, it exists and it makes us miserable.

Once upon a time, perhaps that fear monster was your friend. Maybe it pushed you to work harder. To strive for perfection. To be better. But how is that fear monster helping you now? It’s probably just getting in the way. And it might be time to set out some ground rules for your relationship with this overly familiar friend.

Name it

When the negative self- talk appears in the chat without an invitation, identify it for what it is. Maybe even give it a name. Like Shirley… Who can be afraid of a Shirley? (if your name is Shirley, I mean no offense, honest. Call it whatever you want.).

Give it a look

Try to give your fear monster a form. Maybe it’s a scary form. Maybe it looks like a person. Maybe it’s a furry Muppet with horns and purple spots. Whatever you see when you close your eyes and think about it – that is your fear monster’s new look.

Set some boundaries

When the fear monster shows up uninvited, acknowledge its presence, ask yourself whether it is actually helping you right now, and if not (when it is not) send it away. Put it in a timeout, send it on a trip, park it in the economy lot at the airport, just put it somewhere it won’t interfere with how you are showing up and what you are telling yourself.

The fear monster is a tricky and persistent character (mine is a slippery shadow that is most often available for a 3AM wakeup call). But trying a new approach to dealing with it can help you set limits on its impact. And working with a coach can help you develop the skills to put the fear monster in its place. I’m still doing the work myself, but I can attest that a good coach can make all the difference (thanks Kamrin!).

Setting Birthday Goals instead of Making Birthday Wishes

In recent years, I have started using birthdays as deadlines for achieving big goals. Last year, I ran my first half marathon. As an athlete growing up, distance running was my mortal enemy. Running wasn’t fun, playing basketball and running a soccer field was fun. Running was boring and painful. I couldn’t figure out pacing or how to breathe without getting a stitch in my side. Building the stamina it took to run long distances felt too hard and unpleasant. And so I didn’t. Over the years, I half-heartedly tried and failed at becoming a runner a number of times while I was searching for my athletic identity as an adult.

Fast forward to season one of the global pandemic. We were home. Home all the time. Home all the time with the same people. We were trying to figure out home schooling and getting groceries (and wiping down those groceries with sanitizing wipes…). We were too anxious to leave the house. Too anxious to spend time with friends in person, and mostly too burnt out for another Zoom happy hour. I needed exercise because it helped me think and feel better (and boy, did I need to feel better), but going into the gym wasn’t happening and adding to my paltry home gym at the time wasn’t a possibility due to supply chain issues. Enter running. Again…

Could it be any different this time? Yes, because it can always be different. I was different and so were my circumstances. First, I had a dog (a just pre-pandemic pup) who loved to exercise and took to running like a duck to water. She was most excited on the days she saw me stretching for our runs. Second, running was one of the rare times that I had space alone for thinking or sometimes not thinking. Third, I reset my expectations on what it meant to be “a runner” and started small. I started with a slow pace and shorter distances, breaking up running intervals with walking. Gradually, it got easier. I could run longer distances. I needed fewer walk breaks. 5K, then 5 miles, then 10K. Then I decided I was going to train for the 13.1 mile half marathon distance and that I wanted to run it for my next birthday in January 2021.

During that training season, my Dad got sick. Really sick. And instead of giving up running, I didn’t… While during that time, we all felt like we couldn’t help my Dad, I could control my running. So I did. I took him to doctor’s appointments and then I ran. I called his medical team and then I ran. I brought him to the hospital and then I ran. We received his terminal cancer diagnosis and then I ran. I called my friends for support and to cry and rage and then I ran. Many times I felt that I was quite literally running away from my problems. While everything else felt like it was spiraling out of control and we were dealing with the weight of our grief as a family, I stuck to my training because it felt good to be able to achieve something even when everything else felt so awful.

So on January 17, I completed my 13.1 mile journey (with my trusty runner dog) and 11 days later, my father passed away. 2021 wasn’t any kinder or easier than 2020. We lived through what felt like year 100 of the pandemic. I faced the unpleasant realization that simply bending over could be enough to throw out my back. I grieved. But I remembered that having a goal I was working to accomplish gave me focus and a respite from the things in life that felt chaotic and out of control. So I worked to find a new goal and this time I wanted that goal aligned with my professional purpose. What would I do next? I realized the work that resonated throughout my career was helping others find their own paths to success. This realization brought me to professional coaching. I attended the ACT program at Brown University to obtain my leadership and performance coaching certification for the technical skills to better help others turn their goals into action plans. And I set my own goal to launch Crisilid by my next birthday.

And here we are…

So what’s the moral of this story anyway? I suppose it is this: I know what it is like to struggle with where you are and what you are doing. I also know it takes resilience, determination, and the support of others to get you through when things seem too hard. Some may say that my goals weren’t that grand or challenging so completing them was no big deal. But they were MY goals. Comparing my running to Des Linden’s or my new business to a Bain or a Deloitte would be demoralizing and a waste of time. Shifting our perspective on our goals helps us keep them in sight. Moving forward on our own goals means first setting ones that are personal to us and then working to get a little bit better than we were the day before. And avoid comparing your chapter 1 to someone else’s chapter 20.

I don’t know what my next birthday goal will be yet, but I am looking forward to the inspiration. I’d love to hear about yours. And if you would like assistance setting and attaining your next goal, birthday or not, schedule time for a coaching session.