What’s Your Story?

I’ve watched my daughter prepare for her upcoming role in a musical over the last few months. As the performance date approaches, I have noticed that she is spending so much energy worrying about what people would think if she made a mistake that it was all she could focus on.  Instead of enjoying the process of becoming her character, she was telling herself the story of her imagined worst-case scenarios. It was sapping her energy and her joy.

It got me to thinking how often we do this over the course of our lives.  Where instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy a moment, we deprive ourselves of doing something—dancing, trying something new, stepping onto that karaoke stage, wearing something bold, speaking out, etc.—because we tell ourselves others will judge us harshly if we make a mistake.  But studies show that we overestimate how much people judge us for our mistakes (or even notice our mistakes at all).  

It is not really the judgment of others that gets in our way, but the false narrative we create in our heads. So, if we are the authors of our own story, why not tell a better one? Instead of telling ourselves the story of our potential failures and mistakes, we instead craft a narrative where we get to be the hero of our own tale.  Why not feel the joy of being on stage and giving our best performance, instead of the panic of an imagined and not so important mistake?

When you start hearing that voice inside your head tell you a story you don’t like, ask yourself “what is the story I am telling myself?” Then give yourself the opportunity to tell yourself a better one. One where you get to be victorious on your quest. If your inner narrator is giving you some trouble, maybe give coaching a try.

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson

Subduing the “Fear Monster”

It creeps into your bedroom in the middle of the night, waking you with a start, whispering, “you are going to fail…” There it is again, crashing into the middle of a meeting shouting, “you don’t belong here.”  It pops up again as you’re applying for that promotion saying, “you aren’t good enough.” It springs up unexpectedly again and again throwing doubts and limitations in your path. It pushes you to be smaller, to take the path of safety, to do “what’s expected,” to give up because surely you can’t hope to succeed. Whether you call it your inner critic, self-limiting beliefs, or the fear monster, it exists and it makes us miserable.

Once upon a time, perhaps that fear monster was your friend. Maybe it pushed you to work harder. To strive for perfection. To be better. But how is that fear monster helping you now? It’s probably just getting in the way. And it might be time to set out some ground rules for your relationship with this overly familiar friend.

Name it

When the negative self- talk appears in the chat without an invitation, identify it for what it is. Maybe even give it a name. Like Shirley… Who can be afraid of a Shirley? (if your name is Shirley, I mean no offense, honest. Call it whatever you want.).

Give it a look

Try to give your fear monster a form. Maybe it’s a scary form. Maybe it looks like a person. Maybe it’s a furry Muppet with horns and purple spots. Whatever you see when you close your eyes and think about it – that is your fear monster’s new look.

Set some boundaries

When the fear monster shows up uninvited, acknowledge its presence, ask yourself whether it is actually helping you right now, and if not (when it is not) send it away. Put it in a timeout, send it on a trip, park it in the economy lot at the airport, just put it somewhere it won’t interfere with how you are showing up and what you are telling yourself.

The fear monster is a tricky and persistent character (mine is a slippery shadow that is most often available for a 3AM wakeup call). But trying a new approach to dealing with it can help you set limits on its impact. And working with a coach can help you develop the skills to put the fear monster in its place. I’m still doing the work myself, but I can attest that a good coach can make all the difference (thanks Kamrin!).